Where Are You Now?
by T'Luminareth
Summary: How can one live without the other when the centuries have separated them? Their Destiny did not end all those years ago and Merlin is loosing hope that Arthur will ever be reborn to fulfil their Destiny again.


Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur  
Spoilers/Warnings: male/male, futurefic, AU, suicidal thoughts  
Word Count: ~2650  
Disclaimer: Merlin and all its characters, belong to BBC and 2Entertain and any affiliates there of. This was written for my own enjoyment and no money is being made from it.  
Summary: How can one live without the other when the centuries have separated them? Their Destiny did not end all those years ago and Merlin is loosing hope that Arthur will ever be reborn to fulfil their Destiny again.

•••

His hands were stuffed into the warm fleecy pocket of his hoodie in an attempt to regain feeling in fingers that had been cold the moment he had walked outside. The wind never ceased; it would continuously work its way against any part of exposed skin causing him to shiver. Though the wind was always present, it never moved the gray clouds hiding the sun. He hated it.

He scrunched up his shoulders as he quickly pulled his hands out regardless that they were only just beginning to warm up so he could throw his hood over his dark brown hair. His hands once again sought the comfort and promise of warmth when the task was completed. The hood did very little except threaten to fly back down to settle against his back where it had been moments ago.

He sighed, continuing to walk anywhere but where he was. He knew he didn't belong here in this place or in this century for that matter. Each new time and place was never the right one. There had only been the one time and place he truly belonged but that was years in the past; a past that would and could never be again except within the confines and constructs of his own mind.

He was destined to go on this way, living one life only to be born into another until such a time as he was needed again. When he was needed to help secure the one man who could bring unity back into a world where such a word had very little meaning to anyone hearing or uttering the syllables. That man had yet to be born again and it only added to the loneliness of the solitary figure walking steadily closer and closer to the train tracks.

He had always found the emerging technology something that broke the monotony of life but it meant there was so much less nature. There were no woods to hide in, to explore, to dream in, to think in, to find adventure amongst all the life. There were few animals to be seen, only the occasional bird flying overhead but never staying for long as they moved ever onwards from this bleak and desolate place.

There was no more magic in the world; yet another hole that had yet to be filled within him that had been empty for far too long. He had lost track of how many lifetimes he had gone through with no hint of anything magical, of when he had been able to look within himself and find that warm part that he could control and mold into a force to be reckoned with.

This world he found himself in no longer held any kind of spark that drove someone to want to be better, to make the world better. It simply was, stagnant in every meaning of the word. It simply was.

His joy and happiness had stagnated as the world had. He had found himself fading into less and less of what he had originally been as each life passed him by with no sign or indication of any kind that Arthur might be somewhere, anywhere, waiting for Merlin to find him. Merlin had never realized how much light Arthur gave off when he was in the world until he was no longer in it. The old cliché rang in his head, making him snort in derision that something so tired and overused now applied to his life.

He really should have known that a world without Arthur would be duller, though he had never thought he would have to experience such a thing over and over again as if he was being punished for a crime he had not committed. Was it too much to ask to have simply died eternally? How could he not have known that fate was fickle and his destiny would never leave him be in peace? He had always thought one life was more than enough to live.

He had been lucky in that first life. He had fulfilled his destiny with Arthur; Albion had been realized and he had had his truest love by his side the entire time. Leaving Arthur's side all those years ago for any reason always seemed to suck the air our of Merlin's lungs, to make a hole in his chest that always filled up the closer he got to Arthur. It had always been that way even from the very beginning. Even from the first day he met Arthur, pratishness and all, he knew there was something about Arthur that called to him. It was something alluring, something primordial, and Merlin had easily fallen under his spell.

Theirs' was a timeless story of love, life and death; one that all the greats had written about even though time had distorted and corrupted it to fit with changing cultures and ideologies. Merlin had once tired to correct an author that Arthur never married Guinevere, that he had chosen Merlin instead of her as royal consort. He had been laughed at and mocked; told God would never allow such a sinful thing, that Arthur was pure and would never be led astray in such a manner. Merlin had held in his anger and the tears that threatened to burst forth the more and more the man debauched his relationship with Arthur. How dare he say those things? How dare he try to rewrite history? A history he obviously knew nothing about.

He couldn't recall the last time he had felt the need to tell anyone that they had Arthur's story, and his for that matter, completely wrong. He simply didn't care anymore. All he wanted was peace, a respite from all the things that had been and seemed never to be again.

The tracks loomed ever closer; those unending rails that stretched far away into distant lands, carrying people away to places they needed to go or wanted to go to. Those people had given their lives purpose but Merlin saw no purpose in his other than to serve and love Arthur who was always absent. How could he change a purpose that had been written for him since the beginning of time?

He began to walk along the tracks as they began to cross over the river, bringing two pieces of land together. His gaze watching his feet as they moved from plank to plank, his shoes making hollow echoing thuds on each one, the metal underneath reverberating along with it.

It was in the middle of this bridge that he stopped to look up, taking in one of the few untouched pieces of nature, the river. Though each side had cities rising ever higher into the air, the smog choking both the earth and its inhabitants, the river still quietly wound its way through the land, carving it out as the years slowly went by. Merlin felt guilty at the flash of jealousy he felt in that moment that something like a river had more purpose than he did.

Merlin sighed as he sank down onto the wood, letting his feet hang in the air, the weightlessness of them somehow grounding him. The water far below his feet moved gently beneath him, tiny swells rising as the wind skimmed across the surface. He shivered as the wind found its way down his neck.

He found himself wondering what it would be like to simply let himself fall into the water. To let the water rise over his head, his wet clothing weighing him down to the bottom where his body would gently land, the light filtering in as it gently caressed his skin as his lungs screamed for air that he would not allow them as his world faded to black.

It was somehow a comforting thought at the same time that a spike of fear raced through his body, making his heart rate increase as the primal need to stay alive outweighed everything else. He cursed his body's weakness.

It had been water such as that below him that had almost claimed Arthur, almost taken him away. Merlin had reached the lake in just enough time to get to Arthur, to bring his head above the water where he could breathe. The armor had hindered Merlin at every turn but he was not about to let something like the impossible weight of armor come between him and saving Arthur.

He had dragged Arthur to shore, making short work of removing the armor so he could get to the chest beneath which was strangely still. When Merlin had put his ear to Arthur's chest which had always held a steady rhythm, all Merlin could hear was his own blood rushing through his ears.

Merlin's magic had frantically left his body before he could control it, seeping into Arthur as it forced water from Arthur's lungs and allowed life giving air to flow into them. Arthur had begun to cough and sputter, turning on his side as the water left his body. Merlin had thrown his arms around Arthur and Arthur had grabbed onto Merlin like he was a lifeline.

Merlin had never really asked Arthur afterwards what drowning felt like, too scared to hear how Arthur had almost been ripped from his life. Merlin had merely held Arthur close as he kissed every inch of bare flesh he could reach as Arthur crushed Merlin to his body, wanting nothing more than to become one with Merlin as he feverishly repeated sorry over and over again at what he had done to his lover under the Sidhe's spell. He showed Merlin with his body what he could not always tell him in words though that night the words had poured out of him as easily as he breathed.

Merlin closed his eyes at the memory, seeing Arthur's image on his eyelids wearing a blue tunic with black breeches. His blue eyes were twinkling at Merlin, a mischievous smile on his lips as he walked towards Merlin. Merlin knew that look very well; it made him ache for Arthur all the more.

_Merlin_. It was filled with love, want, desire, lust; all the emotions Arthur always saved for Merlin when they were completely alone behind closed doors.

Remembered touches and remembered kisses assaulted Merlin; teases of a life lost long ago, of a love that though timeless could not be reciprocated to Merlin anymore.

His eyes flew open as the memories threatened to consume him as they always did, the silent tears running down his face as they cooled and were dried away by the wind.

The water continued to move beneath him, away from him and out to join the ocean. How easy it would be to simply walk off the end of one of the wooden planks, how the water would gladly welcome him as it swallowed him whole.

_Merlin_. His voice, echoing across the distance, the wind carrying it to Merlin's ears, as it resonated within his head. It taunted Merlin as it raced through his mind yet it held no taunting edge. Rather it was a voice full of a sadness that made Merlin's stomach clench and his throat constrict.

_You were never one to think about such things my love. _

Merlin gasped at hearing the voice again, as he tried to hold onto it but it was so much smoke trickling through his fingers. He held out his arms, seeking for comfort from the warm embrace of strong arms as a child does but there was no one waiting to fill Merlin's need.

He wanted to scream, to scream until he couldn't anymore; to scream until his throat was raw and his voice was nothing more than a whisper.

"Where are you?" It was not forceful or full of anger as he wanted it to be so Arthur could see how much he hurt but rather it was a small broken sound that left Merlin's mouth, his voice cracking on the end as tears began to well up in his eyes.

The wind caressed his face, feeling like fingers he was all too familiar with. They were Arthur's fingers; those fingers that had calmed Merlin just as easily as they elicited moans of pleasure as thrills of electricity moved up and down his spine.

_Oh Merlin_. The wind caressed his tear stained cheek. When had the tears begun to fall again? He had been certain he had been able to hold them back and yet there they were running freely down his face. Eyes Merlin had not realized he had closed in an attempt to keep himself from tearing apart, now opened as he was momentarily blinded by the change in light.

"Arthur."

He was there. He was so faint in the rays of sunlight that were valiantly fighting their way through the barrier of clouds yet it was enough to make his hair glow as it had always had. It almost hurt Merlin's eyes to look directly at Arthur but Merlin would not and could not tear his gaze away. If he did, Arthur would surely be gone again and Merlin wasn't so sure he would be able to cope with that at the moment.

Arthur was in his armor, the metal glistening in the sun as if Merlin had just finished polishing it for a tourney. The visage was one he had thought never to see again; perhaps he had fallen into another memory or had fallen asleep. Maybe his mind had simply been unable to carry the burden any longer and it had finally shattered into so many pieces so it could mirror the appearance of his heart. Going mad had its appeals if it meant Arthur would be his companion, Merlin would welcome the reprieve it would mean.

Arthur's hands moved to Merlin's face, running his thumbs across the prominent cheekbones that glistened with pain filled tears.

_I can fix that._

"Please," Merlin begged, though he was not sure what it was he pleaded for. Was it for the times gone by, for Arthur's loving embrace, for his touch, for him to be real, for him to take the pain away?

_I am coming._

"How?"

_How does anything happen?_

"There is no more magic."

_We will fix that. We did once before and we shall again. The world has need for us both again._

"It's been so long…"

_I know my love. I know how you have suffered alone all this time. I am coming._

Arthur was fading from sight, from Merlin's sight.

"Arthur!"

_It will be all right_. He smiled at Merlin, the smile he had reserved for Merlin, only and always for Merlin. Everything had been and was for Merlin. He would always be Merlin's just as Merlin would always be his. There was no other path Arthur had ever considered and he knew Merlin had never done so either.

_My dragonlord_. It was whispered in and through the wind, his voice fading away just as his image was. It had been an endearment Arthur used, said in hushed tones in Merlin's ear, a way to affirm his love for the warlock, to let Merlin know he was more than accepted, that he was loved. It always made Merlin shiver every time the syllables fell from Arthur's mouth, and now was no exception.

Merlin had always simply used Arthur's given name, had given it new meaning and purpose every time it rolled off his tongue and thorough his lips, lips that were perfectly sculpted to fit Arthur's. Destiny and life had worked together to shape the two, to make the one complete the other. They were made for each other and each other alone, complimenting the other. Destiny had given them to each other and though it had been necessary to separate them for a time, Destiny would always give them back to each other. It always would.


End file.
